An Infant Loss ~ My First Born Son

My first born was 4 weeks early weighing 6lbs 4oz. He was a healthy and happy baby and came home with me after 3 days in the hospital. He had to have a UV light because he was Jaundice but other than that nothing else was wrong with him. As a new parent, I had the ups and downs and just don’t know moments like most parents do. After we figured out a rhythm to our days, things got better.

 In December of 2003 he had a temp of 103. We took him into the hospital because the temp just wouldn’t go down. He had x-rays and other tests done to figure out why his temp would not go down. Finally it started to go down with Tylenol and Ibuprofen and alternating the two of them. We were told to keep doing that for the next few days so the fever would stay down.

Tragedy happened on the 28^th of December 2003. I woke up to feed him in the morning and he was my smiling little man; I put him back to bed and went back to bed myself. I woke up about 4 hrs later when he should have been up 2 hrs before that. I ran to his crib to find that he was not breathing and blue. He was gone. There was nothing the paramedics could do for him. My heart broke in a million pieces that day. I went into a deep hole where I couldn’t see any light. My light was gone he was dead.

Dead is a word that I didn’t want to even think about. A word that until this day only meant that older people died not 5 month old babies who haven’t even seen the world. I didn’t get to see my little man until he was in his casket at the funeral home. I was living in a dream world. This couldn’t be happening, it must be a nightmare this couldn’t be happening to me. It wasn’t a dream but it truly was a nightmare. I stared at my little boy wanting to hold him but knowing I couldn’t hold him ever again. Never see that smile that was just for me. To hold that freshly washed baby and cuddle with him before bed. I wouldn’t be singing him good night anymore. 

I had to put The End to the story I had wrote about him for him to read when he got older. He would never read this story because he was no longer here on Earth with me.  I buried my 5 month 1 week old son on New Year’s Eve 2003. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do - to leave my son in the cold at the cemetery to be buried.

Weeks later we were able to get the report on what happened to him. SIDS they ruled it. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. What is it I asked? They told me that he just died and they don’t know why this happens. I didn’t understand what SIDS meant. The medical people could only tell me it was SIDS and nothing can explain this cause of death. No one could tell me how this happens and why.

Birth

5 months old

Resting place

So here I was in a hole so deep no one could see me. I made it seem like I was ok. I put on my I’m just fine face. I was told by many people just to forget about it when I would lose that I’m ok persona and cry like a baby over stupid things.

I am on year 9 without my son. We celebrated his 9^th birthday this summer. We will remember him on his 9^th Angelversary this December. Does it get easier...a bit. Do I remember it like it was yesterday... yes.  Do I want got go back into my hole sometimes?  Do I cry like a baby? Yes I do and I’m not afraid to admit that. I found the strength to get out of my hole 5 years ago when I met my husband.

~Deja

Deja is a guest blogger for Preemie Prints blogging about infant loss, preemie adoption, and special needs babies. We are blessed to have her!